Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read. 

1. You Can Go, Michael Moore: I regret to inform the Blacks (and those who genuinely sympathize with our plight) that it is time for us to toss Michael Moore in the White liberals who tried it trash pile. In a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter, the filmmaker, activist, and perpetual old hat wearer deemed President Obama a “huge disappointment” and argued that he’ll only be remembered as the first Black president.

Moore explained: “When the history is written of this era, this is how you’ll be remembered: ‘He was the first Black president.’ Okay, not a bad accomplishment, but that’s it. That’s it, Mr. Obama. A hundred years from now, ‘he was the first Black American that got elected president.’ And that’s it. Eight years of your life and that’s what people are got to remember. Boy, I got a feeling, know you, that you’d probably wish you were remembered for a few other things, a few other things you could’ve done.”

While I appreciate Michael Moore’s contributions to political discourse, you would think a guy who made a film about the horrible healthcare system in America would at least think of one of Obama’s accomplishments beyond the historic qualities of his hue. Moreover, you would imagine someone as politically informed as Moore would at least note that some of Obama’s disappointments had much to do with the GOP-controlled House who blatantly obstructed him. Then again, perhaps with the condescending manner in which he critiques Obama, Moore is too busy being like them to notice.

2. Stop Trying To Make Body Types Trendy: From the title alone – ‘We’re Officially in the Era of the Big Booty’ – there was reason to be suspicious of a Vogue.com piece dissecting how big cheeks were on trend. However, my eyes rolled as fast as the speed limit on many Texas highs (85 MPH, get into it) when I read the line, “Perhaps we have Jennifer Lopez to thank (or blame?) for sparking the booty movement.” So after all these years, the mainstream is still trying to pretend that a fair skinned Latino is responsible for the “trend” of big booties. That makes me want to spit. You will not Christopher Columbus the ample butt cheeks any longer, white people. Uh oh, uh oh, oh no no no.

That aside, you shouldn’t be trying to make any group’s body type a “trend” any damn way. To say someone’s frame can be later deemed a fade is pretty f**ked up. And even if you were to be so shallow, the least you could do is pay homage to the Black cheeks that paved the way for the rest of y’all to catch up. Damn. Can we live?


3. Mimi’s Mistake: Girl. Mimi Faust has spent several months lashing out at anyone for questioning whether or not making a porn with a knock-off version of the man who impregnated her was worth whatever additional minutes of cheap fame and money that came with it. And now suddenly after it’s been made painfully aware that her now ex-married boyfriend was pulling the okie doke on her for a come-up, she gets it. You know what, though? I would tag myself in and jump on her the way the rest of Twitter did, but at this point, I’m exhausted and I imagine Mimi is, too. Good luck, girl. Get yourself some therapy and a man that ain’t trifling.

4. Go Home, Roger: Roger Goodell, you’re noting but a liar, a cheater, a deceiver, heartbreaker. Now that TMZ has exposed that fun fact about you and the AP has tagged itself into the dragging, it’s time for you to resign as NFL commissioner. In fact, as the editorial board over at The Times-Picayune pointed out, Goodell has to hold himself to the very standards he imposed on others (i.e. the New Orleans Saints). To that end, you have got to go, sir. The sooner, the better.

5. Where For Art Thou, Darren Wilson?: It’s been a month since Michael Brown’s life was taken and I still haven’t logged onto TMZ to see Darren Wilson’s mug shot. I know things often come at the anointed time and not the appointed time, but c’mon nah. Slap him with charges. Lock him up. Put him on trail. Lock him up for good.