Michael Arceneaux, EBONY.com contributor and Master of Shade, calls out five of his biggest gripes from the past week. Rejoice and be read.
1. Let These Women Bash Their Trifling Men On Tour In Peace: Admittedly, I laughed at some of the fake tour names created in response to word that Keyshia Cole and K. Michelle will be touring together starting in January. However, let’s make one thing clear: This is a genius idea. They are basically the red weave and needle so bringing them together sounds like one good quick weave to me. I wish more artists with similar sounds would join together this way. Camaraderie is beautiful, especially if it saves on cost and I can get two for the price of one. You best believe I will be on this tour, sipping brown liquor and saying a whole bunch of words I am not allowed to type in this space.
P.S. That man wasn’t s**t. Which one? All of them. See? I’m getting ready for the tour!
2. Keep It Easy Breezy On Ebola, Chris Brown: Because he has refused to accept that anything he says on Twitter is fodder for a bad headline about him, Chris Brown, Medicine Man, shared his thoughts about Ebola, recently tweeting: “I don’t know … But I think this Ebola epidemic is a form of population control. S**t is getting crazy bruh.” I shouldn’t be surprised that someone who has given World Star Hip Hop one too many exclusives is a YouTube prophet and typical Black male social media conspiracy theorist, but I wish he would invest in a journal. And keeping with that theme, if you’ve never been published in a medical journal, maybe you shouldn’t speak too much about the disease either? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not exactly trusting of government either. Still, I know something as complicated as population control cannot be explained in 140 characters or less. Or even a 140,000 characters, depending on the person. To that end, some of y’all gotta stick to just quoting Pimp C on Twitter. That’s good enough in terms of awareness.
3. But You’re Not Bae Either, Steve: New Hampshire state Rep. Steve Vaillancourt (R) looks like Fred Flintstone after his sixth stint in rehab. And yet, he has the nerve to argue that U.S. Rep Ann Kuster (D-NH) would lose re-election because she’s “ugly as sin.”
Here’s the thing: Most politicians are not that attractive. Fine given I don’t need my elected officials to be beautiful (although it helps, hey, POTUS…no shade, FLOTUS); I need them to be good at their jobs. Yes, attractiveness can help in most situations, but more times than not, this is not the case in the not so aesthetically-gifted crowd of Confress. So if Kuster’s district finds that she is good for them, they will reelect her. Given all of the ugly men running the country, we really don’t need to be hearing some man behave so grossly – especially when he is not at all gorgeous his damn self.
4. The CDC: Listen, I, too, found it amusing that the very House of Representatives that slashed your budget now wants to blast y’all for not being able to effectively do your jobs. Even so, if someone says “I have a fever” and they’ve been around Ebola, do not tell them to hop on a plane and have an unexpected body party that could possibly spread the disease. Just…do not do that again, ever, okay?
Meanwhile, next time Congress for you, CDC, I would quote Gangsta Boo’s legendary debut single, “Where Dem Dollas At?” But like, the radio version.
5. Those Bangs, Beyoncé: I don’t care what they’re for – a photo shoot, a video, a debt being paid to the Illuminati for eternal relevance and world dominance – those bangs King Bey is presently rocking need something. I don’t know, maybe a curling iron, or better yet, some scissors. I’m no hair care expert, but I do know they remind me of the mini-weave projects some girls I went to middle school with used to do instead of paying attention in class. Shout out to the Welch Middle School, where Beyoncé also attended.
However, Yoncé is a grown woman who can do whatever she wants.
P.S. Please don’t kill me, #Beyhive. I’m a longtime member. See the signature below.
Michael Arceneaux hails from Houston, lives in Harlem, and praises Beyoncé’s name wherever he goes. Follow him @youngsinick.