With a million different sexual sites around the Internet promoting every conceivable fetish known to man, curiosity over breaking the laptop’s fourth wall is only natural. Unattainable porn stars are one thing, but what about the horny cutie shooting flirty glances on the train to work in the morning—the one with all the gratuitous G-string bikini pics on her Facebook page? It’s possible that a horny set of women are bypassing hookup havens like OKCupid and eHarmony to post hot HD videos up on AdultFriendFinder.com, and getting straight down to the point: let’s screw.

[DISCLAIMER: This story takes place before our hero was married!]

I never scored from a chat room in my life, but found myself trying thanks to a magazine assignment (I swear!); AdultFriendFinder seemed like a good place to start getting down with the get-down. AFF claims to be the world’s largest sex dating community, with over 30 million members worldwide looking for love, no strings attached. I start my quest with Euphoria, a 27-year-old sister with the backside of life. She could’ve cut-and-pasted her profile pictures from a spread in King: booty, halter tops, thongs, booty. Women this hot don’t need the web to get laid. After clicking away on the site’s search form (group sex: check! miscellaneous fetishes: check!), homegirl comes up on my radar, along with hundreds of other sexually available women in New York City.

Writing an email to this naughty girl, I get my first reality check. It turns out that AdultFriendFinder costs nothing, but email privileges are only for paying members. My standard membership is free pretty much for the pictures only. So I set out $29.99 for a month-long gold membership. I think of the fee like the price of a movie date that I’ll be saving by taking sexy Euphoria directly to the back seat of my Jeep. I email the curvaceous Jet beauty-of-the-week wannabe, and wait. And wait. And wait. Three days later, it hits me. Just because you’re fiending for someone on the site doesn’t mean the feeling’s mutual, even if she loves sex so much that she’s looking to hit strangers off on the ’net. Fair enough.

With over 34,000 women in my city allegedly seeking men on the site, there are more than enough to surf through in search of a good time. After emailing 10 more without any responses, I decide to start a spam campaign. I lace 50 different desperately seeking Susans with the same come-on. In the meantime, I satisfy my libido by checking out the highest-voted member videos of the month posted by the likes of DarlingNikki. It’s unbelievable that everyday women film themselves in these compromising positions. Kim Kardashian has nothing on DarlingNikki, trust.

Suddenly, my inbox blows up. I get a smiley-face wink from HollyBerry, a 31-year-old “looking for a man to satisfy her desires” who gives new meaning to the term headshot in her profile pic. LollyPop38D sends me a brief mail to invite me over to her personal website to start a private conversation. But the jackpot is PepperyKiss, braids cascading past her thick assets. She writes:

“Hi sweety, it was nice to hear from ya, just got your message. I actually have not heard from many guys on here, so this is pretty exciting for me! It’s been too long since I have been able to go out and have some fun with a guy. Are you open to some kinky fun? I am meeting one of my girlfriends for happy hour tomorrow night. So maybe we could meet and relax over a few drinks. Why don’t you get ahold of me at my Gmail? I don’t have enough credits to write u back and it’s easier for me to just check my email. I’ll get back to you ASAP if you’re interested.”

After another super-brief email exchange, agreeing to meet together at a Starbucks, I have a date scheduled with PepperyKiss for the following night. A lot of AFF girls focus on copulation in their profile pics, but not this bottom-heavy young lady. I’ve got a clear idea who to look for in a crowded room of iced caffé latte sippers based on her hair extensions and bee-stung, Kerry Washington lips. She’s got a girlfriend coming along. Based on PepperyKiss’s profile (“seeking a couple—man and woman”), the night might get twice as busy as I bargained for.

Two Frapuccinos and 60 minutes later, PepperyKiss is a no-show. After wasting a Saturday night up in Starbucks, the Naturalambs in my pocket all for nothing, I go back to the drawing board. Returning to LollyPop38D, I prepare to move our dialogue over to her own website outside of AFF. And wouldn’t you know it? This average, everyday, undercover hottie is anything but. Her site is filled with XXX-rated stills, and to start a flirty exchange will cost me a whole other monthly membership fee to join her site. She’s either a workaday prostitute or an aspiring adult film actress. Either way, she’s someone even more likely to leave me hanging for a hookup, after she’s drained my wallet. So long, LollyPop.

Things aren’t looking good, and soon they look even worse. Surfing AdultFriendFinder for more potential, I come across Just2CuteNHott, a 23-year-old cutie using the exact same bend-over-and-smile photograph as PepperyKiss! The same shot of the sister who left me high and dry pops up again, belonging to 20-year-old BGirl5. And then to 19-year-old SmartArtGirl, all in different boroughs of New York! After the picture surfaces under yet another pseudonym, I decide to email BGirl5 to ask about her multiple personalities and faking on our date. Her speedy response:

“Hi sweety, it was nice to hear from ya, just got your message. I actually have not heard from many guys on here, so this is pretty exciting…”

I feel more like a sucker now than when I sat in Starbucks for an hour. I begin spending more time on Google than AdultFriendFinder, looking into who else may have been duped into what’s starting to look like a scam. Indeed, the web is full of complaints. One former user grumbles about getting auto-replies from different women that were identical, even down to misspelled words. Another says at least 90 percent of the girls on AFF (definitely all the sexiest ones) are phony. RipOffReport.com is full of stories from guys with credit cards still charged by AFF after their memberships were canceled, and different accounts of girls trying to corral memberships to their live webcam shows for money.

In their defense, I find an exposé claiming that the site kicks off 1,000 fake users daily, while another admits AFF is mainly populated by men searching for a small percentage of real women. But I’ve seen enough. Luckily, calling their service line to stop future payments turned out to be problem-free. If you're thinking about surfing the Internet to get some, don't waste your time with AdultFriendFinder…trust me.