Dear Chris Christie:

This must be killing you. Not the rampant criticism. I imagine you’re used to that, and based on past behavior, revel in the chance to verbally smack someone upside the head for daring to challenge you. The part that must be killing you is that for at least a week now, you’ve had to maintain your “polite voice” in light of accusations that administrative goons shut down a major bridge and spurred huge traffic problems out of spite towards your political adversaries.




Look at you not behaving like the mean-spirited, vindictive bully you’ve shown yourself to be in year’s past. Like, I’m almost certain that if you had found the right acting coach earlier in life, you’d be John Goodman. Sadly for you, using your inside voice won’t stop prodding journalists.

After all, you’re the one who said only a week ago about David Wildstein, the now-former Port Authority executive, “I have had no contact with David Wildstein in a long time, a long time, well before the election.” Funny enough, the Wall Street Journal has uncovered a photo of you two together that was shot in September. As for those claims that you barely interacted with David since he worked at the Port Authority, the journalist who wrote a 2012 profile of him says, "Wildstein was known as the Governor's eyes and ears inside this massive agency. A lot of people felt afraid of him because of his direct line to the governor's office.” By the way, a coach from you two’s high school has also dismissed your claims that you were too busy being class president and athlete to be bothered with David Wildstein’s existence at the time.

But you know, you don’t know him like that.

Should Wildstein make a deal – a prospect his lawyer wasted no time introducing – may he sing like Mariah Carey: MTV Unplugged. The same goes for Bridget Kelly, the now-fired deputy chief of staff who is being depicted as an idiotic liar and the other fall guy in the four-day traffic jam caused in Fort Lee, New Jersey. She may have written “Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee,” but no one thinks she’s mostly to blame and didn’t deserve being thrown under the bus by you – especially if she’s been as loyal as reported.

I don’t know what Jeb Bush and Scott Walker are doing. One assumes they’ve already shared a laugh at your expense via Facetime while dually ignoring texts from Ted Cruz. Bill and Hillary are probably doing the Wop  in honor of your stalled presidential ambitions. Or telling someone to tell some other folks – ideally in the media – to revisit the time you were accused of shutting down a public access TV station for tough reporting on you during the 2009 campaign.

Even if you manage to somehow get out of Bridgegate unscathed, you’ve already got a new scandal to take its place. HUD’s inspector general, David Montoya, may be now trying to downplay reports of a full-scale investigation on whether or not you improperly used $25 million in Hurricane Sandy relief on a tourism ad that featured you and your family, but there’s certainly going to be some folks in the press revisiting previous reports of how you opted to go with a more expensive and politically active PR firm to do the ad versus the company that was cheaper and didn’t want you in the commercials.



You just had to be all up in the videos, all on the records, dancin'.

Naturally, you vetoed a bill that would have required oversight on the billions in federal aid, arguing the bill “ would produce unnecessary redundancies and waste government resources.” 

The only thing worse about this story is that there is a more important one to be told when it comes to accusations of misuse of hurricane relief funds.

Last month, after combing through data obtained via a lawsuit, the Fair Housing Center reportedly confirmed, “Black and Latinos have been turned down for housing aid at rates far higher than Whites.” When confronted, you dismissed it all as “just another make-work report from a hack group that’s looking for attention.”

Notice the pattern? Always on the attack even when you are told you may be in the wrong. It’s like Tom Kane, Tony Soprano and Nelson Muntz had a threesome and created a big mouthed bullying baby who went on to annoy the state of New Jersey.

I don’t know what the outcome will be with Bridgegate, but from the looks of it, you’re going to end up looking like a spiteful politician or an aloof leader. It couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.