Dear Miley Cyrus:
Before we get started, let me just start off by saying I’m somewhat in fear of criticizing you. Hell hath no fury like Disney Channel viewers. Listen, I don’t want my nieces to jump me, but you and I have to talk about your recent appearance on Juicy J’s stage. I say this with respect: Girl, get up.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all about twerking. I have vivid memories of dancing like I have no self-respect while filled with the spirits. Yeah, last Tuesday was great.
In any event, I understand that you’re young and you want to shake of the shackles of the clean image that earned you a fortune before you turned 18 (not so poor you). And I’m proud of you for not ending up like Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes. You could’ve ended up in the sister circle of white girl struggle, but you made it through. You get a ‘gon’ girl’ for that.
Nevertheless, I still I need you to bring it down a few notches – like, at least three. You’re doing the absolute most and whatever you think you need to prove as you try to blend in with the darker side of culture, you needn’t try so hard.
I’ve seen this story before. You are the granddaughter of Elvis Presley and the little sister of Justin Timberlake. I don’t know how much of the groove is truly in your heart, but I’m curious to hear the beats Mike Will Made It and Pharrell provided for your new album. If you want to be the female pop equivalent of “White Mike,” go right ahead. Britney Spears abandoned that position years ago and the void has left to be filled. I might even buy it if it sounds good.
I have to say, that new single, though, “We Can’t Stop,” is nothing but “Party In The USA” set to diet a trap beat. Or maybe I should say “Cheers II” since it was originally meant for Rihanna. Either way, taking yourself somewhere else musically is one thing, but holding on to the ground trying to pop your pasty butt to the sounds of a 38-year-old rapper is a whole different ballgame.
Like, you are Hannah Montana! And you’ll forever be Hannah Montana, which means you can only take this White Girl Meets World Star Hip Hop schtick so far. After all, aren’t you the same person who told MTV News in 2009 about the Jay-Z line in “Party In The U.S.A.,” "I've never heard a Jay-Z song. I don't listen to pop music. ['Party in the U.S.A.'] is not even my style of music. I'm really blessed for it to have done as well as it has. Totally blessed. God has definitely put me in an amazing position with amazing people."
That reminds me, it may not have been your intention, but you officially killed the phrase “’bout that life.” It’s bad enough that White people now think you came up with twerking.
You’re not helping matters showing up on stage looking like David Bowie trying to dance like Tricks from The Players Club. That is, on the day her arthritis in her leg is bothering her.
All I’m saying is I want you to look at your life and your choices and have a 'come back to my rich White life' moment. If you want to dibble dabble, so be it, but toe the line. We love Robin Thicke because he has an appreciation for our culture, but isn’t all-overeager about showing it. Do you know who Teena Marie is? If not, can you study her?
Bless your heart, but you are not “’bout that life.” Furthermore, your rhythm isn’t completely there yet. The real Twerk Team of YouTube must hate you. And since we’re being honest, check out some YouTube clips for squat exercises, too.
PS: Tell your pappy “Achy Breaky Heart” will always be the shiz-nay-ee.
Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.