To everyone who may be baffled by Beyoncé’s performance earlier this week: 

Let me start off by saying if you’ve been afflicted by the “nontroversy” surrounding Beyoncé and her alleged lip syncing performance at the Inauguration of President Obama, I want to say the following: I’m so sorry.

I can’t fathom how difficult this must be to you. How such a deceitful, disgusting act has you questioning everything you’ve ever been told. Was Jesus really nailed to the cross or was he actually duck tape on the cross to die for your sins? Who can be sure now considering Beyoncé has broken humanity’s trust ?

Seriously, it wounds my spirit animal to know that no one ever explained to you the following: There is, was, and forever shall be reasons why singers – even those with strong voices – sometimes opt to prerecord a performance that’ll take place in cold temperatures, an open air venue, and/or stadium where the acoustics are terrible and make it difficult for an artist to hear themselves and stay on key.

And for highly publicized performances such as the Inauguration – which traditionally calls for perfection – everyone is required to prerecord a track. Some decide to forgo it and sing completely live, a few sing over the backing track while others mime. Likewise, if you’ve ever watched the Super Bowl, congratulations, you’ve seen lip syncing from Whitney Houston, Jennifer Hudson, and uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no… Beyoncé again. Yes, Christina Aguilera made the decision to (over)sing the anthem live, but if y’all recall she was snatched bald by the nation after flubbing the words. So there’s that.

But again, my thoughts and prayers go out to your heart, your achy breaky heart, and the pain that comes from you missing out on fun facts that’s been regurgitated for at least two decades now.

Most of all, I’m sorry that the American news media trolled the hell out of you and your parade-brand musical knowledge and now the rest of us have to feel the pain.

You see, in the rush for ratings and Web clicks, news people will do try any and everything to get your attention no matter how empty, nonsensical, and utterly baseless the “story” might be. They’re kind of like those people who stand outside screaming about God coming back soon on a pick up truck to wreck havoc on all of the heathens. You know you should look away, but you can’t help but notice the shouting? Like that.

Enter “Beyoncé-Gate.”

Most journalists, bloggers, and tweens know how these performances work, and if they didn’t, could’ve found out in about 60 seconds. Like, there was audio of Beyoncé doing sound check of the national anthem the night before quickly found via a Twitter search. Miraculously, she sounded like Beyoncé, as opposed to the dying frog those frenzied over this “deception” would have you believe. Moreover, if anyone bothered to pay attention to the performance that’s become an invented scandal, you can hear the woman singing over the backing track. Alas, Beyoncé can sing as evidenced by both clips…in addition to the 15-plus years we’ve heard her sing live.

This story was mildly tolerable for an hour, but the fact that the damn White House Press Secretary was asked about this makes me to ask King Triton if I can borrow his gold staff to whip up the ocean onto every last keyboard that helped fuel this nonsense. Then came the YouTube prophets who declared this whole thing was a diabolical scheme initiated by Beyoncé’s team to keep her name out there — ‘cause no one pays her any attention ever.

For a second there, I wanted Kim Kardashian to go outside and do something if for no other reason than to divert attention away. Hell, y’all owe me an apology to me for putting such dark thoughts in my mind.

Admittedly a part of me is irritated by this story because it further fuels the sad sect of the population I will now refer to as “Beythiests” who deny the greatness that is Beyoncé. I don’t know why they haven’t sought a cure for their disease, but may salvation come to them. Regardless, no weapon formed against Beyoncé shall prosper.

The same cannot be said of this trend that spawned “Beyoncé-Gate.” Thirst-bucket journalism will continue, and for that, I’m truly sorry.

But don’t get me confused: Each and everyone one of you who helped perpetuate this nonsense deserve watery red beans and rice, the driest piece of dark meat, and the most burnt biscuits from Popeye’s for the next nine months. May you suffer…as much I have this week with this asinine, Canal Street controversy.

Good damn day.

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick